


a heart is hard to translate

by zauberer_sirin



Series: it takes a lot of love and patience [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Coulson doesn't know what Skye means to him, F/M, First Kiss, Introspection, POV Phil Coulson, Unresolved Romantic Tension, feelings are contradictory and complicated, post-2x08, unrequited (for now) love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2014-12-02
Packaged: 2018-02-27 22:29:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2709038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zauberer_sirin/pseuds/zauberer_sirin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're not her father."</p><p>Coulson realizes he has no idea what Skye means to him. Skye, as usual, is a couple of steps ahead.</p><p>(Post-2x08 Coulson introspection)</p>
            </blockquote>





	a heart is hard to translate

**Author's Note:**

> First in a series (hopefully) about Coulson and Skye defining the relationship, but taking their sweet time with it.

He spends the whole day with it on his mind. All of it.

He takes a shower and changes and goes to visit Trip and make sure he's okay. He sits by his bed for some time, wondering if he made the right calls at the right time. He could have been better, said something else to help.

"Sir..." Trip calls when he wakes up, once, and then he slips into unconsciousness again.

The medics tell him he'd be out of it for another day yet. Coulson goes to his bunk and grabs a book to leave on is bedside, so he won't get bored if he wakes up. _A suitable boy_. Trip likes really, really long books, he has noticed.

He walks back to his office, eager to be alone before the mission briefing.

And after his conversation with Skye he needs some moments to himself. Telling her about his enconter with his father hadn't been easier for either of them. But Skye had remained tough throughout. She was set in her convictions. Coulson tried to be neutral.

 _I know you want to meet her._ He had said that to the supposed monster.

Coulson wouldn't classify his own feelings as neutral by any stretch of the imagination.

He's not sure what he thinks of the man; meeting him has rattled him more than he thought it would.

Skye has written her father off and Coulson understands why, in the same way he understands her apprehension about actually getting to the city – after hearing about it from her father Coulson himself is unsure they should go there, but he can't let HYDRA have whatever is inside. He is sure he can't let Skye near it, for obvious reasons. They need a plan. Maybe that was the man's intention all along. Was he goading Coulson so that he'd see taking Skye to the city as a threat? 

He needs to make a decision either way, and they don't have much time.

Coulson not sure he can dismiss Skye's father as a mere murderer as she does.

Coming face to face with him has made things considerably more difficult.

He didn't feel he was in the presence of a monster. Someone broken, no doubt. But he couldn't quite intimate to what extent he was broken, how unstable he really was. He seemed excitable and certainly dangerous, but it wasn't all. Coulson couldn't get a good read on him. He was too preocuppied trying to say the right thing to keep Trip alive, or rather trying not to say the wrong thing that would get Trip killed.

Normally he can tell a lot looking someone in the eyes. He tried to find the answers there, in Skye's father's eyes (maybe he was trying to find the family resemblance, too). They weren't empty like Senator Ward's. If anything they were too full of emotion. Coulson felt he couldn't tell anything about the man because everything was so exaggerated. _Life and death_. Well, yes. And entwinned, impossible to tell apart.

He doesn't have the capacity for empathy Skye has, but he also doesn't have Skye's clear-eyedness.

And if what Ward said about her family was true – 

No.

He can't go down that path.

Trusting Ward never led anywhere good. He has to discharge any knowledge that comes from that source, it's tainted.

Still – 

_I'm only gonna get one chance at a first impression._

Coulson sinks into his chair and then, almosy immediately, he stands up again. He paces around the room, feeling utterly lost, and unable to assess the situation professionally.

The thing is: part of him wants to defend her father to Skye. It's probably unfair. It's probably misguided. Coulson spent too much time of his past trying to – no, no he can't go down that path, it had been a dead end. But he wants this for Skye. He wants to believe her father loves her, wouldn't hurt her.

He's being naive, probably.

He hopes that naivety doesn't cost him something dear. Doesn't cloud his head.

Then there was that line; "You're not her father". Coulson can't stop thinking about its various possible meanings. It tugs at him. Skye's father has an obvious grudge against SHIELD; he should check the files again, any trace of connection, maybe something they have looked over, an incident seemingly unrelated. What does it mean that SHIELD took away? Because if Ward was telling the truth, the story about the village overtaken by HYDRA agents, there might be something there. Or is the man talking about _right now_? Is SHIELD taking Skye away from him? SHIELD is Skye's home and this man wishes it weren't so.

He hasn't told Skye this part of their conversation, breaking his promise of bringing her in on everything and now he feels utterly alone for it.

 _You're not her father_. Does this mean he sees Coulson as a threat to his position as her father? It's not that strange a notion. Looking at the bare facts it would be easy for her father to assume: he's twice Skye's age, in a position of power and authority. It was surprising that Skye's father had intimated a certain intensity between the two. Coulson run scenarios in his head: what Raina might have told him, and there were cameras in the abandoned practice, and if he is working with Hydra now, he might know some things. Things that would make someone assume.

There's the obvious, if useless follow-up question: It is true? That's what Coulson wants to know. Not knowingly, he doesn't think so, but he might have been playing the role of a father for Skye's benefit. She's never known proper parents, and Coulson will never have a family of his own. No one would fault them for wanting that for each other, with each other. A neat narrative but Coulson doesn't completely buy it.

And this is what he has spent most of the day thinking about, which is alarming. There's no reason why he needs to know, there's no reason why he needs to know today. It's a distraction and he wonders why he hasn't asked himself the question before.

What does Skye mean to him, how would he define his feelings for her? For all the time Coulson spends thinking about her and being with her, right until this very moment he hasn't thought about what kind of relationship they have. 

Even if pressed, he couldn't put it a name.

_You're not her father._

He keeps coming to the same question: if it doesn't matter, why did he hide her father's words from Skye?

Coulson has always prided himself on being a self-aware man, perfectly capable on knowing his own feelings on most subjects.

What is Skye to him? Seeing Skye's father should have provoked some jealousy, if he really wanted to be family to Skye. Instead he just wished things for her – when he talked to her father, he was hoping this man could mean something to Skye, something good. Memories of his own father, his desire to rewrite that history, got in the way. He couldn't think the worst of Skye's father because he had been there himself. It's not a place he ever want Skye to inhabit.

At the same time he can't say he didn't feel the stirring of some sort of threat inside him; like maybe, maybe this is the person who was going to take Skye away. Away from him.

Skye _is_ family, and Coulson has the vague feelings he would want her in his life for a long time. But he never stopped to think in what capacity. This is new. This – this being reflective about him and Skye is new.

And they've never really talked about it, out loud, defined their relationship in any way. She hasn't tried either. She seems uninterested in doing so. Does she imagine Coulson would reject her if she says she considers him a father? Coulson has this sudden notion: he would want to be whatever Skye wants him to be. That doesn't exactly clears things up.

There's a knock on the door.

This is not going to make his instrospection any easier.

"Team's ready when you are," Skye tells him, coming to pick him up, to go downstairs with him.

They do that thing. They gravitate towards one another. That might be another clue. Coulson admits he enjoys the time he spends with her better than anything else.

She walks into the office, and it immediately feels like it's her place as well as his.

"What's on your mind?" Skye asks him.

"Nothing."

"Come on. You've had that worried face since we came back."

"One of my men is out of commission and–"

She shakes her head. "That's not it."

Whatever he feels for Skye he feels grateful for how she can always call him on his bullshit. He smiles a bit at her.

"Is it about my father?" he asks.

Coulson nods.

He wonders what Skye thinks of their relationship, if she sees him as a father figure. They have never talked about it. They just – are. From the beginning they had just latched onto each other. As a profiler he's not sure he understands. The bare facts: Skye is an orphan, she admires him, she could easily see him as the family she never had. But there are other facts: Skye is an adult, Skye fights with him like an equal, Skye seems to formidable a force to need anyone, not like that.

Coulson wouldn't exactly know what to do with the role, if Skye wanted him to play it, if he himself wanted it. And these are big ifs. And he is still trying to understand himself as a son. He doesn't feel capable of being anyone's father, not even metaphorically.

"There's something else you haven't told me, isn't there?"

He stares at Skye, once more amazed at her capacity to just read it on his face. It has never been easy hiding things from her, which is probably a good thing anyway.

"He said I wasn't your father," he tells her directly and suddenly.

"What?"

He can't give her a good reason for why he hasn't told her before, why he didn't tell her right away. He told her everything else right away.

"Your father," he explain. He can still feel Skye's desire to wince every time they talk about him. "He accused me... I don't know. But he said to me: You're not her father."

"What does that even mean?"

"I don't know."

"Like I'm _your_ daughter now and he's jealous?"

"I don't know."

She pulls back, like something about his words just physically struck her.

She looks at him from head to toe, like she's seizing him up.

"Wait, wait. Do you see me as a daughter?"

He's spent the day looking for an answer to that very question but when Skye asks – when she really asks like she expects an answer and it's important and Coulson has no idea why and she has her hands on her hips – he finds he is still in the dark.

"I –" he opens his mouth, but nothing else comes out, just that lonely first person singular.

Skye takes a couple of steps towards him.

"Because if you see me as a daughter you need to tell me _now_ , Coulson. To spare the both of us an embarrassing conversation in the future."

She sounds uncharacteristically pissed off. It takes Coulson a bit to actually listen to the words, because her tone is so surprising.

"What do you mean? What conversation?"

She turns around and walks back towards the desk. She picks up the small Lola model in her hand and after staring at it for a moment she places it back to where it was.

Coulson starts walking towards her at the same moment she decides to turn around and he looks at her, awkwardly stuck in mid-step. Her face has softened. 

"Well, I don't see how I can put the cat inside the bag again," she says. "Maybe I should just be honest with you."

"Always a good idea," he says, giving her a self-deprecating smile. They both realize he hasn't always been honest with Skye.

"It's not like I have a plan or anything and I'm not looking for a reaction from you. And believe me, after everything I can't even imagine myself being in the mindset to have another relationship, let alone actually having one. But if that day came, I'd like the possibility of it being with you."

What is she talking about?

"I don't understand," Coulson says.

She looks at the floor for a moment, and then she lifts her head and there's a curious flush on her cheeks.

"Put it simply: that if I ever wanted to have a guy again and _big if_ maybe I'd like for that guy to be you, Coulson."

He frowns at her. He doesn't mean to.

It just never occurred to him to look at the other side of the question: What does he mean to Skye? She had obviously put more thought into it than he had. The definition. She had the words for it. But she had come up with the wrong answer.

How can–?

"Are you okay?" she asks, voice cutting through his confused thoughts, worried. Like her declaration – because that was what it was, wasn't it – was some form of aggression to him.

"I'm fine."

He looks at the bare facts. Skye is beautiful, desirable. Just not _for him_. Any guy would be lucky. But he's not that lucky guy.

He never even – 

"You're totally freaked out now."

"No. Well, a bit."

He smiles.

"I'm not saying I'm sure I like you, because I really don't know," Skye says. "I just want that avenue open for possible exploration. One day. Not right now. Among other things because you're still hung up on your ex."

"No," he says. Then: "Well. A bit."

She smiles.

They look at each other and then away; awkward but a team once again.

"How do _you_ see me then?" Skye urges him.

He can understand why it's so vital for her, knowing, but Coulson is not sure he has a satisfying answer for her. He never thought Skye could see him like that. He still cannot believe it, completely.

And judging by her words Skye has been feeling this way about him for a while and he had no idea. That's a big miss for someone who prides himself on his profiling skills. He thought he knew her so well.

"I don't know how I see you, Skye," he says. He thinks her name might offer some comfort.

She nods to herself. Not the most enthusiastic of answers, he knows. 

"Okay, I get it," she says. "Just don't dismiss the idea right off the bat. Think about it. Think about me."

But he's always thinking about her, that much is true.

He looks at her. She's Skye. She's family and partner in crime and friend and surrogate daughter and companion and pupil and teacher and mirror and comfort and challenge and now she's also a _possibility_. A possibility Coulson is not sure he can say he dislikes: Skye is a gorgeous woman, and she has the particularity that he already loves her.

No, he is not going to reject her on the spot.

He's not that much of a fool.

"I'm going to need a bit of time to process this," he tells her.

Skye nods again, this time at him and this time cheerfully, like she has a new-found purpose.

"Sure. What do you need? Two days? Two weeks?"

"For someone who claims to be in no rush you sure are pushy."

She chuckles, relieved, at the casual humor in his voice.

"Coulson, _I'm joking_. Of course you need time to process this," she says. "I need that, too. I need things to go slow, too. If things were ever to... happen."

Skye is trying to control how this goes down. It's obvious she didn't plan on telling him, and definitely not now. Skye doesn't like it when things escape her control. Coulson gets that.

He can't think that far ahead. A possible relationship. He can't look at her in that light right now.

He doesn't know how he feels.

This is new and in itself quite extraordinary. He always known how he feels.

Deep in thought for a moment – he has to think about this, he doesn't want to lose Skye, that's the main thing – he misses the fact that she has started walking towards him until she is already too close.

She presses her lips to Coulson's for a moment. Very softly.

He finds it strange, after having spent the afternoon considering the possibility that this woman might be like a daughter to him, that she's kissing him.

He can't say he dislikes it.

It's pretty chast, barely a kiss, the kind of peck in the lips that could be exchanged between colleagues. He's pretty sure he kissed Maria Hill like this when she got promoted over him, to let her know he was happy for her.

But this feels different of course. The light brush of her lips against his and how his own mouth tries to follow it blindly of its own. It's quite something. Something he hasn't felt in a long time.

_You are not her father._

Well, of course he's not her father, not really, he's allowed to kiss her back if he wants.

Does he want to? Skye pulls away before he can answer his own question.

He stares back at her, amused but somehow touched by the gesture.

"I thought you weren't near the mindset of a relationship," he points out, gentle. "What happened to _not right now_?"

Skye shrugs, a bit embarrassed. "I wanted to know what it felt like."

It occurs to him that maybe they should have talked about their relationship more.

They wouldn't be in this situation.

"You know I love you," Coulson says.

Skye nods. "Yeah. I've _always_ known that. I just need to know how you love me. And you need to know too."

She touches his shoulder very lightly, closing the book on tonight's conversation, and it's still weird, feeling her touch when he knows what he knows that. He second guesses his own reactions. They've never touched much, and he never thought the times they did were _suspect_. 

He needs time to figure it all out. What he feels. Skye's offer. The ramifications of saying yes.

"See you down there," she says, before leaving his office. Her voice is her usual resolved , fierce tone of before every mission, the reassuring tone, the partner tone, the I've-got-your-back tone Coulson has come to depend on. But there's something else there too, a glint of something, buried very deep down but sparkling anyway. Something new in her voice. Or maybe something new in the way he hears it.

He can't afford to dwell on that right now. Right now Skye needs to go back to what she was fifteen minutes ago. Something safe. Something helpful for their mission. 

But as he watches her walk out of his office he has the feeling he stands no chance against her. How will he ever say anything other than "yes" to her? It's unthinkable.

Coulson knows why he hasn't asked himself the question before.

He's always thinking about her.

He really doesn't stand a chance.

He smiles.


End file.
